I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
