Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
you would pick up someone in the library
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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