I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
