Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
