Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
