My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
