She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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