remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
