My room smells like vodka and shame
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
