He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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