you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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