I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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