apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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