i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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