I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
