It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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