I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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