rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
