new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Everyone says I win the strip club
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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