i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
She has the best kind of daddy issues
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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