Swine flu. Run for my life!
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
