This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
