So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Randomize
