i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
