I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
We got so high we made milksteak
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
