New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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