I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Randomize
