News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
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