worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
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