I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Randomize
