so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
