I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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