david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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