I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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