I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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