I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
