i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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