my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
it's like iHOP with fire
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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