Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Couch. On fire.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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