so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
