Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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