I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
