I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I cut my penus on the lid.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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