she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
