When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
