I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Randomize
