hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
