She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
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