but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
