I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Randomize
