my room smells like sperm. sweet.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
