I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
