Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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