Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
