dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
our cab driver is having phone sex.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
