i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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