why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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