These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
don't judge my taste in strippers
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
